If You Love Mother’s Day… You might hate this take.

I used to believe that Mother’s day was a day that I should be treated like a queen. And when my husband didn’t plan the ‘perfect’ day (which I couldn’t even define), I made it mean he didn’t care enough & used it to reinforce my internal belief that I am not worthy.

I didn’t realise until this year how taxing it was when I held so tightly to those beliefs. I would spend the lead up to Mother’s day & Mother’s day itself building up this intense resentful, negative energy (that would eventually erupt out. I would make comments that were harsh, or I would ‘joke around’ although the message underneath was no joke. I was so caught up in the negative energy that I missed out on spending joyful moments deepening the connection we had as a family.

It wasn’t until the day before mother’s day this year that I could see the shift I had experienced. There had been many discussions about Mother’s day and what I/we wanted it to look like. I felt calm - open to whatever came, which was a little surprising.

The biggest evidence of the shift came when my husband said to me Saturday afternoon “I am going to lunch with….. Tomorrow.”

Normally, this would have filled me with rage, but I calmly responded “on Mother’s day?”

I could see immediately the feeling of oh s**t, I have messed up rush through him. He told me he would tell them he couldn’t come, and old me would have gone with that and still been so mad for days. But this time I found myself saying something I could never have guessed.

“No, don’t cancel, please go. As long as I can sleep in the morning and you sort breakfast I want you to get to spend time with your friends.”

He looked confused & shocked, he kept saying for the next few minutes he would cancel, he had forgotten about mothers day (just for a second) and how sorry he was. I had to convince him that I wanted him to go & he wouldn’t get in trouble.

I got to sleep in, I made fresh sourdough for a picnic lunch with the kids & my sister came to watch the football in the afternoon. I had a beautiful family morning & he got to have lunch with friends. The effect of that was that we both went into the next week with so much more capacity for work, the kids, & each other rather than the aftermath we were used to.

This situation shows how important it is to have sustainable family systems in place & constant open communication. By having these in place I was able to without second thought see the situation for what it meant to us and be in a position to look at the overall picture.

Life flows smoother when we consistently get our needs met. This opens up more space to see situations for what is really happening without placing unrealistic expectations and   prevents our unexpressed emotions hijacking the story.

I am not saying Mother’s day doesn’t matter. But this year, I didn’t need it to feel celebrated. When the family system supports you, you don’t need a one-off day to feel appreciated or prove your worth.

With care & compassion,
Mariya


P.S. If this hit home for you—know this calm, connected version of motherhood isn’t a fluke.
It’s what happens when your family system works with you, not against you.

Inside the Lighten Your Mother Load workshop, I’ll show you how you can build a sustainable, supportive family system that actually meets your needs—without the pressure of a ‘perfect day’.

Join the workshop here.