Changing How I Parent Changed Everything (but not how I expected)
For the mum who is hoping there is more to her journey than surviving.
I never had a big “aha” moment where everything suddenly clicked. There was no dramatic breakthrough or a well thought out plan. Just exhaustion, disconnection, and a quiet striving to be the good mum that I was supposed to be.
I knew from the start that I wanted to do things differently to how I was parented. My parents did their best, I have a lot of compassion for them and the stories that they carry. But something in me just knew I didn’t want to carry the same patterns forward.
Even knowing this, it didn’t magically make it easier.
Especially not during the long, lonely days of postpartum when I was deep in the trenches, medicated for postpartum depression, and going through the motions. I was trying to do all the “right” things. Trying to be the “good” mum. But underneath it all? I was running on empty & I knew I wasn’t showing up the way I wanted to.
I thought being a good mum meant never raising my voice, always knowing what to say & that my children would do what I said as soon as I asked them. I thought it meant always meeting everyone else’s needs, going over and above for them & never needing anything myself. And when I inevitably couldn’t live up to that? The guilt was constant.
It wasn’t until I began a mentorship to learn about birth debriefing, that something inside me started to soften. I didn’t go looking for parenting support, but somehow, life gave me exactly what I needed. I finished this mentorship as a completely different person.
For the first time, I started to understand my own reactions.
Why I felt the urge to control everything.
Why I felt so anxious when my kids cried.
Why I couldn’t stop overthinking every single decision.
I started to see that I wasn’t “failing” and that I was doing the best that I could whilst carrying so much from my past. My stories, the learned nervous system responses and the beliefs that had been planted in me long before I ever became a mother. I got to understand why even though I wanted to show up differently, I couldn’t seem to make it stick.
When things started to shift it definitely was not in a neat linear fashion. It was slow, it was messy, it was two steps forward, five steps backwards sometimes. It was like meeting a new version of myself, my children and the people around me but not in a bad way.
Slowly the evidence of positive change started to appear through my kids and the way I was feeling and it gave me the confirmation that even though it could feel challenging at times it was all worth it.
Through this journey I have learnt the importance of the pause and the amount of wisdom I hold when I truly check in with my body. I have proven to myself that I can show up differently as a mother, a friend, a wife & family member.
I am certainly still not perfect (will anyone ever be?) and I fall off track sometimes, the difference is I can find my way back and I can repair with purpose when it is needed. I am more connected with my kids than I have ever been, which came from connecting with and tending to myself first.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “That sounds nice, but that will never be me…”
I just want to say: I didn’t think it would be me either.
You do not have to have it all figured out. You do not need to do it all on your own. You just need to give yourself permission to say I can’t keep doing it this way. And I promise — it can be better than you imagined.
It isn’t too late. You are not broken. You are mothering in a s**t system. And you are more than enough!
From one mum to another,
Mariya
P.S. I’ve created something for mums who feel this too. No judgement, no shame, just a bunch of mums wanting to show up differently even when running on empty. You can find all the details here.